I Just Want To Be

I keep trying to live in the past, to tell myself that whatever doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. In the back of my mind I want to make you all proud, yet I still feel I am not. It’s not just because I’m stubborn, it’s because I haven’t had faith in myself. I didn’t think it would be this hard to quit; I’m going to stand my ground, and be firm. If I relax myself now, then what does that mean for the rest of the week. If I don’t continue to better myself I know I’ll start going downhill again. Why would I stop now when I’ve gone so far? I’m not going to let myself think about the past. Maybe I shouldn’t have messed up, and smoked that cigarette, but I won’t let that get in my way. I am trying my best to cope with my urges in healthier ways. Sometimes it’s difficult when I get irritated at the mundane, but I am still doing better than most. I am still fighting, and figuring out my triggers. If my whole day consists of the gym my dogs, and my loved ones, I would have no problems. Unfortunately for me, I have to go outside and talk to other people… I have to make eye contact, and try to smile. I don’t want to smile at anyone else! I found the only person I want to smile at, and he lives with me. That should be all that matters. I want to be able to wear my own face, and not one that is pinned in a pained smile all the time. I just want to be.

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